new entry:
25.10.30
i turn 20 in a couple of months. the fateful year that will revoke my teenage-wannabe status and make me considered well and truly "adult". though, really, the only thing that will visibly change is the date.
over the past couple weeks ive been reading my dark vanessa, a book that is impossible to consume all at once. one must take it in sips, gradually, like medicine during a bout of nausea. sometimes, reading a book is so immersive that it feels like, for a short while, you were able to live in it. My Dark Vanessa is one of those books. every scene, every description, every character---it all feels so real, like you've slipped inbetween the pages and are living through every word in real time. thats, i think, what makes the emotions so intense, so vivid you find yourself sobbing at a single line, reeling with qeasiness after every chapter. in a few words, i feel bad for vanessa, and i'd like to believe i understand her.
the other day, i tried to wear a cute, low cut top and got so stressed out before leaving the house i had to run to my room and change. i've been attending events at my uni, mostly things to do with the modern language department. i feel like i change my mind about what i want to be every week.
this entry may sound a bit bleak in tone, but really, i'm doing pretty well. my korean is coming along nicely (i'm reading my very first novel after three years of study!), and my art has improved so much i don't know if i recognize it. i've been getting back into seriously writing and i'm atleast better than i was.
i think i just tend to live in my own brain more than anywhere else. i have my hobbies, and they are ,many, but i do want to have some kind of a social life. when do you stop feeling like no one understands you?
old entries:
25.04.17
long time no update! im really happy to get back to making this website. i really want to engage with the indie web community more-maybe find some webrings to join. i cant figure out adding a chatbox still. cbox just does not work for me for some reason and i havent found another alternative yet.
i want this site to feel more alive, you know? i should start liveblogging shows or something here lol. doctor who s15 is out so maybe thats an option. i just want a way to make this website more interactive i guess. i probably have to actually add more pages for that though...
24.05.03
a lot has changed since i last updated! i am now 18 (woooo) and am out of school (finished early). my social life has been completely tanked lol and i've mostly just been losing my mind at home. i haven't spoken to any of my friends since leaving and tbh i am not sure if we really are friends anymore. or if i want to be.
my only reprieve from total isolation has been rock climbing! it is my favourite physical activity mostly because it's the only one i can do without horrible pain. a lot of people are shocked at this when i tell them? idk.
lots of cool things are coming up. new season of doctor who, new starkid musical, etc etc. i am going to ireland in a couple months but i'm kind of conflicted about it. i don't know how it'll go. i will be on my own for the first time like ever. i am really scared i won't be able to live like that.
23.12.28
i want to make this site a lot more interactive and fun but i am having trouble of thinking of things to do with it. i'm kind of procrastinating finishing the pages i've already started so idk. i got inspired by an artist i like and now want to completely redo my page (again). it just feels very static and bare right now.
i had this idea for an arg inspired website design that i think could be really cool as an actual site but i'm already having a tough time working on this one. :(
anyway, i have been thinking a lot about cannibalism & the body & consumerism and really want to create something with that. part of the reason i haven't finished my art & writing page is because i haven't been doing much of either. i have the inspiration, the ideas, but i've been having trouble executing it. i end up giving up before i've really started. it's frustrating, especially when i'm seeing such cool websites and art from other people and knowing i could do it too.
i've just been stuck, i guess. the well of motivation is running dry and i am tipping the pail over my mouth hoping to catch a droplet.
and it really doesn't help that the past several weeks have sucked major ass.
23.11.9
i've been busy these past couple months and honestly i kind of forgot i had this site lmao. been doing a lot of reading and writing, working on my wips. this website is so public yet so private, it really makes it hard to write things out. i decided to change the layout a bit, mostly the colour scheme because it felt a little empty. i watched the newest starkid musical: 'nerdy prudes must die', and became majorly obsessed with the whole universe lol, i binged the entire series and now i have nothing to do with this obsession but stew in it. anyways, its been fine, mostly. lots of pain since its getting colder now.
23.08.17
my computer charger broke so i wasn't able to update this site for a while. i got a new one though so its all good! i started rock climbing and it's actually really fun and i'd like to keep doing it and getting better. i'm thinking about changing the layout of this site but i put so much work into it i might just leave it for a while. i've been binging vampire media and am (once again) obsessed. i've always really liked vampires so this isn't much of a surprise if you know me lol. i think that's about it.
23.07.07
i'm trying to figure out how to move forward with my site. i'm not really sure how i should structure the 'things i like' page or my art page. i drew a header and another drawing that i want to add to the front page but i have No Idea How. it is a little frustrating so i'm kind of procrastinating on doing those things lol. i want to add more content to the site to make it enjoyable to go on and click through but i am just a little stuck. i know neocities isnt the most active place but i would like to get to know more of the community, and i want to add more creativity to my own site.
23.07.06
here is my first journal entry! i am not really sure how to do this. ok, so, it's been summer for a little while now. summer is one of my favourite seasons, along with autumn. i used to think i didn't like summer, i was kind of an edgy kid and so i wanted to like the "darker" and "cooler" seasons like winter. i don't know why winter was my go to and not the halloween season lol. now, i find i have a nostalgic love for summer. it still feels the same as childhood when things like christmas no longer do. i've been very busy this summer. lots of family bbqs and kayaking or whatever. it's tiring, but nice. i'm glad i am spending the summer actually doing summery things instead of just sitting in my room all day.
*this page is a place for me to let out whatever has been bothering me lately. mostly rants right now but i hope to get more comfortable talking about different topics in this format!
